Love Lose Live published 4 February 2016

Anger

Focus mediators help separating couples every day. We have observed that many separating people are angry. Very angry, 'incandescent' is a word often used by their nearly ex, who may also be very angry. In this frame of mind humans are programmed to fight. It's what you do when you're angry. Saying something really nasty or hurtful temporarily gives some relief, even if it does increase the fighting levels. The reason for the anger is it is the second stage of grief, the grief of loss, loss of the relationship, that life together, even if you wanted it to end.

 

Of course the angry couple believes otherwise, that they are angry because the other person is a demon who has hurt them.  Their anger is justified, righteous and they will use the only legal outlet for it – the legal rituals of the divorce courts. This choice will cost them dearly in every way, financially and emotionally and it will tend to keep them stuck in the fighting, angry stage instead of moving into recovery.

In the end the pair may arrive at mediation completely convinced they cannot mediate. The other person is a total monster. They simply must go to court, as the judge will agree with them, the other person must be 'made' to do XY or Z. No, they cannot be in the same room, talk or communicate, except in texts or emails (then only if they have not blocked each other). Caught in the middle of this are their children. Being used as messengers, often asked to take sides, asked to choose between their parents' accounts of events or to choose one parent and cut off the other. These children are the unsung heroes and victims of family break-down

It doesn't have to be like that. It shouldn't be like that. Mediators can help with shuttle mediation, insights, ground rules you both agree to. They can help you move from your dysfunctional broken couple boundaries to help you build working separated parenting boundaries. They can help you calm down, move on. Even if you really need to get a court ruling, mediation can help you with the rest of what you need. If you don't think you need help, what about what your children need